Sugar Coated Disappointment
I planned accordingly. I went to great lengths to ensure a personal record (PR) for the Cleveland Half Marathon. But in all honesty, when push came to shove...I tipped over. I laid down. I gave in too easily. I could try and come up with a myriad of reasons for why I failed at my attempt at a 1 hour 48 minute finish. Fuck, I could make you graphs and outlines on why my engine simply idled instead of gunning. But to do so only scrapes the scab off of this failure. It makes for a very long race when you hit mile marker 3 and realize you got nuthin. That makes for a long remainder 10 miles. Those miles stretched into light years and illuminated my personal sense of defeat.
I know what others will say...in fact I've been hit with the barrage of well intentioned, "you'll get 'em next time kiddo" or "hey, at least you finished" or my personal favorite "you can't expect to PR every race" enough in the last two days to mistakenly inflate my sense of accomplishment. But as much as I truly do love the people who are attempting to assuage my self inflicted punishment, I'd like them to stop. Every time you look at me with those earnest, doe eyes and rainbow covered antidotes you are in fact insulting what I am about.
I know that sounds harsh and I know the particular people who will read this and take offense so let me be really clear... I love you all and I appreciate that your intent is to make me feel better. If I had truly tried my absolute 110% best then I would welcome your comments, shit I think I'd lavish in them but since I feel a sense of let down to myself, I can't help but feel a little nauseous every time someone tries to make me feel better because I don't think I deserve that for this race. I could not embrace the concept of gutting through this race. And the fact that I just typed that sentence knowing full well that in order to "gut" something out you essentially should be in some sort of pain, some sort of panic inducing state~which I was not in. I wasn't hurting, I was just weak in drive and determination. I'm not taking away the fact that I completed this race; for that fact alone I'm proud of myself. I'm not as delusional as some of you may want to believe I am. So many (yeah like I have that many readers) will read this and assume that running isn't fun for me, that I've taken the joy out of it. But it's just the opposite. I'm an extremist in every sense of the word...my highs reach the clouds and my lows threaten to pull me under and drown me. But I like this part of me. It makes me feel eternally honest with myself. I sucked some major ass with this race-plain and simple. High expectations are the key to everything and unfortunately I had put mine to bed around mile marker 3.
Way to go to all my friends who ran their hardest. There's honor in that fact. There are still some highlights that George and my mom captured. Enjoy!
I know what others will say...in fact I've been hit with the barrage of well intentioned, "you'll get 'em next time kiddo" or "hey, at least you finished" or my personal favorite "you can't expect to PR every race" enough in the last two days to mistakenly inflate my sense of accomplishment. But as much as I truly do love the people who are attempting to assuage my self inflicted punishment, I'd like them to stop. Every time you look at me with those earnest, doe eyes and rainbow covered antidotes you are in fact insulting what I am about.
I know that sounds harsh and I know the particular people who will read this and take offense so let me be really clear... I love you all and I appreciate that your intent is to make me feel better. If I had truly tried my absolute 110% best then I would welcome your comments, shit I think I'd lavish in them but since I feel a sense of let down to myself, I can't help but feel a little nauseous every time someone tries to make me feel better because I don't think I deserve that for this race. I could not embrace the concept of gutting through this race. And the fact that I just typed that sentence knowing full well that in order to "gut" something out you essentially should be in some sort of pain, some sort of panic inducing state~which I was not in. I wasn't hurting, I was just weak in drive and determination. I'm not taking away the fact that I completed this race; for that fact alone I'm proud of myself. I'm not as delusional as some of you may want to believe I am. So many (yeah like I have that many readers) will read this and assume that running isn't fun for me, that I've taken the joy out of it. But it's just the opposite. I'm an extremist in every sense of the word...my highs reach the clouds and my lows threaten to pull me under and drown me. But I like this part of me. It makes me feel eternally honest with myself. I sucked some major ass with this race-plain and simple. High expectations are the key to everything and unfortunately I had put mine to bed around mile marker 3.
Way to go to all my friends who ran their hardest. There's honor in that fact. There are still some highlights that George and my mom captured. Enjoy!
5 comments:
OK...I'm not going to say anything! Except I loved the pictures, and I know what you mean about being the kind of person that has very high highs and really low lows. I've described myself that way. It just plain sucks not attaining your goals! Nice thing about running, though is there is always another race around the corner (I swear I said that with no doe-eyed expression!) Please stay my friend!
LOL Red!!! I'm glad you can sympathize with those types of feelings...Sunday as a whole just left a bad taste in my mouth.
I am silent too...I fucked the pooch like you. PR or not.
It was a good race. It was fun. It was my 2nd half marathon, and i set a PR. It was fun running downtown and along the river. Im in cincy and looking for like minded runners in Ohio.Hence, I came about your blog.
Oh, and I meant to say it was fun to run along the shoreway along the LAKE. I live NEXT to the Ohio river. HAHA. Sorry..wrong body of water.
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